Will You Just Let Me Explain?
by yourxenium
Summary: Rated M for language. Little OOC. - Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is NOT going to be okay. ...So much for soothing. If only Altair can live up to the phrase, "Strong, silent type!" ... Never. Slight crackfic.


"Ugh, Altair! Will you just let me explain?" I slammed my fists into the table, dropping the last ounce of water from a cup onto the floor. Malik gave me a 'you-are-cleaning-that-up' look, which he very much knew I wasn't going to.

"There is nothing to explain. It is quite obvious what you are telling me!" He also slammed his fists but he was more effective. He made my emphasis look like crap.

"You idiotic bloody Assassin!"

"Excuse you. My robes are pristine white, mind you. Not bloodied. So you know what?" He tugged his robes at me, trying to shove them in my face.

"WHAT?" I pushed away making him stagger back into his chair.

"There is no need to judge someone for their clothes!"

"… Why don't we try this again? Shall we?" I talked to my internal psyche, soothing it. _Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. Everything is not going to be okay._

…So much for soothing.

"This is the fifth time! I'm tired … can I go to bed? I spend my day killing Tem-" He tilted his head back looking as if he was whining and blaming the sky.

"I don't care how you spend your flipping day! This is very important to me so you should lis-"

"Why should I listen to you? You didn't even let ME finish!" He looked at me with an expression full of disbelief.

"Well you know what?" I folded my arms across the table and grimaced.

"This again?" He turned his head away uninterested.

"… You KNOW what?" I leaned in for more effect, making him turn back around.

"What?" He was so excited, it was so obvious he wanted to know. Not.

"Chicken butt." I smirked at his facial expression.

"What about it?" He frowned, clearly confused.

"You are way behind on modern jokes, man. Get with it, homie!" I waved my hand in his face, dismissing him entirely.

"I'm from the PAST! And what's a hoe-me?"

"I take that back, you're not my homie."

"I don't even know what it means!" He was exasperated at this point, raising his hands up to the sky as if blaming the time gods for this torture.

"Well, that's even better."

"You make no sense." He shook his head. He gave up. It was worthless. It was ju-

"Your mom doesn't make any sense!" I leaned back in my chair, smirking.

"You haven't met her!"

"Of course I have. You just weren't there because you were so busy on being a dumbass that likes to aimlessly kill things for FUN."

"You know it's very rude to insult someone's profession." He stated matter-of-factly.

"You? Professional? Please! My blind three-legged cat can do better than you." I scoffed. This man has no sense what so ever!

"You have a blind three-legged cat? Talk about animal cruelty." He shook head, disapprovingly.

"That's what Malik told me when I hit you in the head with an apple." I smiled when I heard Malik laugh in the background. I'm guessing he remembers just as clearly as I do. Just a guess.

"That's ni- Rude! I'm not an animal!" He shoved his sausage finger in my face, trying to make a point. (No pun intended)

"That's not what your mom told me." I flicked his finger, smugly.

"Well that's nice of her." I could just hear sarcasm drip from his words.

"I know right? She's really sweet and … I don't know how she gave birth to you." I said in true concentration.

"Uhh, there is thing called pregnancy. I don't know if you have in your ti-"

"I know what it is! I'm just saying that why the hell would she want to pop out a child like you-"

"Maybe because she wanted to!" He exclaimed defensively.

" –because I mean, look how you turned out." I continued on ignoring the fact that he rudely interrupted me.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're a blood seeking freak! But lamer than a vampire. Come to think of it, I think you are worse than sparkly vampires…"

"Vampires sparkle?" He stared at me in disbelief.

"That's what I said!" I said happily, finally finding someone that shares the same opinion on the subject.

"Cool story." He nodded, deadpanned. Oh, but of course. Here comes Mr. Kill-the-Moment-of-Short-Lived-Happiness.

"Yeah, want me to tell it again?"

"Nah, I'm good." I raised an eyebrow at him, mockingly.

"Then this should be the chapter where you shut the fuck up!"

"Why do you have such bad language?" He asked with curiosity. Fake curiosity, mind you.

"Because I have to deal with you all day!"

"No one told you to tag along!"

"And no one told me that they were gonna pop me out from the sky either! And plus, Al Mualim made me tag along."

"That's telling you." He said, smirking.

"No, 'cause I didn't find out from him but from your sorry ass."

"That's still telling you."

"Indirectly, smartass!"

"Believe what you will." He swiveled in his chair to the right, ignoring me.

"Fine! I will!" I yelled, copying his movements.

"Well there is no need to be assertive." He said, mockingly holding his ear in pain.

"Oh big words now huh? Just ten minutes ago you were like, 'I tired.'" I mimicked him, sounding like the whiny 5 year-old he was.

"Well, it was obvious that I was tired! And my language is far better than that of a caveman, excuse you-"

"Yeah right." I scoffed, interrupting him.

"-Assertive and now oblivious." He continued mumbling in his gibberish-he-calls-a-language. He was speaking to Malik, who was making an honest effort to ignore him. Poor guy.

"Your mom." I mumbled quietly.

"Like I said you-" Okay, this is getting old. Very fast.

"I know I haven't met her! Jeez! But judging from you she couldn't be any different."

"That's not what you sa-"

"I know! Just GTFO."

"What?" He turned to me with a weird expression on his face.

"Get the fuck out!"

"No, wait. I want to know what it means!" I swear to god he sounds like a child.

"That's what it means!" I practically shouted at him.

"Oh. … Was it hard to just say the full words?" He muttered under his breath, folding his arms across his chest.

"Altair …" I said, rubbing my temples.

"I'm gonna go." He quickly said, exiting the room.

Malik laughed quietly in the corner. I looked at him and he seemed like he was watching the whole ordeal like if it was for his own fucking sadistic pleasure.

"Finally got on your nerves, huh?" He asked, teasingly.

"Asshole." I muttered, leaving the room before Malik got on my nerves as well.

He sighed and shook his head. "And all of this was to explain what a pancake was. And we STILL don't know what that blasted thing is." He chuckled, turning back to his maps before looking like a weirdo for talking to himself.


End file.
